If you know me, you know I am not much of a talker. Talking is so weird, and so hard, and it takes up so much of my energy. I would rather just be listening, observing, and feeling. I am very aware of how strange this sounds. Even though I’m not a great talker, I will do my best to put my yoga journey into words for you. And I will try to be real and open and honest.
I started practicing yoga around seven years ago with my mom. I would be lying to you if I told you I remembered my first yoga class, but I can tell you that I immediately fell in love. I loved the way yoga made me feel, and I loved the space a teacher would make for me to feel safe and to feel like myself. In high school, I found it really helped with my stress. Yoga was always more about my mental health than it was a workout. I knew right away it was something more. Something sacred. As I became busier with sports and school yoga came and went throughout my life.
Around my junior year of college my practice became more consistent. This was an extremely hard time in my life. I had just transferred schools after a terrible experience at my first university. My freshman year I played lacrosse at Mercyhurst University in Erie, Pennsylvania. This was a very small school. I knew right away that I wasn’t going to fit in. Around the end of that year, myself and a couple of friends got in trouble for bullying. This is a long story that I will not completely delve into right now, but I will tell you that it changed the way I look at life. There is absolutely nothing more important in this world than to be kind. Around this time, I also began to realize I was gay. I grew up in a pretty religious household and I also had a boyfriend at the time so this was extremely hard for me. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know any gay people. My family didn’t think being gay was okay. I grew up hearing that. I was so afraid and confused and I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt like I was broken into a million pieces.
That summer I decided to transfer to Kent State University. I didn’t want to play lacrosse anymore and the Graphic Design program was way better at Kent anyway. It was a difficult transition because I had to live with my parents and I didnt have any friends in Kent. Also, I was still in the closet and Donald Trump was about to become president. Ugh. I was so afraid to tell anyone about my sexuality, even my closest friends. I became depressed. And I didnt tell anyone I was depressed. I held it in for months and months until I could barely even function. I wouldn’t be able to get dressed in the morning because I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I was afraid of looking too gay, but at the same time I wanted people to know. I was so mean to myself. I began to hate myself. I didn’t want to be alive. Eventually, people began to notice. My mom came to me one day and asked me what was going on. I told her I was depressed but I didn’t know why. Of course, my mom knew me better and she pressed me until I finally told her. A weight lifted off my chest when she knew.
Soon after I came out, I decided to get back into yoga. I was still depressed and my social anxiety was worse than ever. I needed to heal. Also, I feel it is important to mention that yoga wasn’t the only part of my healing process. I saw counselors, a psychiatrist, I started taking medication, I meditated everyday, and all sorts of other stuff. Mental health is tricky, and everyone’s brains are so different. Doing everything you can to find out what you need to heal is just part of the journey. Anyway, I started going to a yoga studio in Stow called Grow With Me Yoga. It was great because the classes were small and I could go and leave without anyone talking to me. Unfortunately, the classes were too small and the studio closed down a couple months after joining. This ended up being a good thing though because it led me to Yoga Squared. This was a very difficult transition because the community at squared was so tightly knit, and the lobby was so fucking small. I didn’t want to talk to people at my yoga studio. I was too anxious. I just wanted to do yoga.
Over time, I became more and more comfortable at Yoga Squared. I started to learn people’s names and make friends as I would attend around five hot power classes a week. Each hot power class I took felt like a release of my old perception of myself. Releasing negativity, anxieties, stress, worry, sadness, darkness. I remember thinking in one class that I felt like there was only darkness inside of me, like someone blew out a candle, and all I really wanted was to glow like a very full moon. Something I repeat in a lot of my yoga classes, even now, is “I am light and I am love”. And eventually, I actually began to feel as though that was true. Yoga helped me find my light and it helped me feel whole.
When squared announced they were offering teacher training it felt like a sign from the universe that I was on the right path. I was nervous to open up in front of people, but excited to learn and grow from the experience. The most exciting part of teacher training was falling in love with Ellie Ewing, who sat across the room from me. We’ve been dating for almost a year and I couldn’t feel more blessed than I do right now. Together we adopted a beautiful baby dog, named Bobo Baggins, and our life is filled with so much love and friendship and excitement. Recently, you may find me working behind the desk at Yoga Squared and possibly teaching a class every once and while. I am forever grateful for my journey and so happy that yoga could return me to the universe.
