In order to tell the story of how I came to practice Yoga, I feel it is necessary to at least attempt to define what it means to me. This has revealed itself to be more difficult than I imagined. A practice as old and as deep as yoga seems to defy definition. But for the purposes of telling my story in an authentic and concise manner, I believe the following definition is the most suitable:
Yoga is the practice of removing the obstacle of the mind so that the true Self may realize its true nature.
I don’t remember exactly where I heard that definition, but it has always stuck with me. Through Yoga I have come to realize that the true nature of the self is that I am not my body and I am not my mind. Rather, I am a pure spirit, soul, who is eternal, who is born to give love, who is full of deep inherent knowledge, and who is incredibly blissful.
For the vast majority of my life, my mind was absolutely an obstacle to this realization. I have always felt separate from people and fundamentally alone. I started using drugs and drinking early in middle school to numb my emotions and attempt to fit in. By the time I was in high school, I was getting high every day.
The terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001 happened when I was a junior in high school. With a clear understanding that I was not mature enough to succeed in college, I enlisted in the Marine Corps. Upon graduating high school in 2002, I went to Marine Corps boot camp in Paris Island, South Carolina. Ultimately, I became a machine gunner in 3rd Battalion/4th Marines and deployed to Iraq three separate times between 2002-2006.
The first deployment was the invasion of Iraq in 2003, the second in Fallujah, Iraq in 2004 and then finally in Fallujah again in 2005. These deployments were neither all bad nor all good. They were characterized by moments of intense violence, but also by moments of deep brotherhood and personal growth.
It was at this intersection of lightness and darkness that I began my path to Yoga. During my last deployment, I was becoming disillusioned with my role in the conflict and increasingly disturbed by all that I had done and seen during the previous three years. The death and destruction of men on both sides and the suffering of civilians, most hauntingly the children, had begun to take a serious toll on my mental health.
And then in 2005, I came across The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama during an off-duty period at an entry-control point just outside the city of Fallujah. The Buddhist philosophy I found within this book truly helped me to emotionally and mentally survive the remainder of that deployment and it became the bedrock of a spirituality I had never had before. The philosophy of Nothingness, of nothing existing of its own inherent nature outside the mind, and the emphasis on kindness and compassion as not just ways of behaving but ways of BEING, resonated deeply within me at this crucial time in my life.
Ultimately, I chose not to re-enlist in the Marine Corps, and I began working and going to school when I got out. Eventually, I got married and became a high school social studies teacher. But I was also a heroin and crystal meth addict and my life was a waking nightmare. I had been an addict since early adolescence, and while my time in the Marine Corps didn’t help me to stop using, it was also not the cause of my using. I know that now. I know now that I used because I was spiritually bankrupt. I was going outside of myself for fulfillment and peace, trying to fill a spiritual hole with material pleasure. I was ignorant to my true Self, that my happiness starts within myself, not through the pursuit of the material world. But back then, even with my exposure to Buddhist philosophy, I was still very much trapped in addiction and the illusion of Maya.
Eventually, I lost my marriage, my career, and everything else I had mistakenly believed belonged to me. After years of being in and out of jail, VA psychiatric wards, of living on the streets, in cars, and on couches, I was finally sent to prison on my mother’s birthday in 2018.
While in prison, I made a daily consistent effort to study Yoga and Buddhist philosophy and to meditate every day. I was during this time that I found an excellent story illuminating the Yoga Sutras called How Yoga Works by Geshe Michael Roach. This book deepened my understanding and appreciation of Eastern philosophy that I had found overseas and it set me firmly on the path to practicing Yoga once I was free.
However, even after serving my sentence I continued to use for about a year after my release. Eventually something switched in my heart and in my head. I walked into detox at the VA Hospital at Wade Park in Cleveland in summer of 2020 and I’ve been clean ever since. For the last year or so I have been consistently practicing Yoga, mediating, chanting, and taking asana classes every day that I am able. I am also a member of the Ohio Prison Yoga Project and am planning on attending Yoga Teacher Training in January of 2024.
My experience has led me to a spiritual practice today that is best described as a blend of Buddhism and Bhakti Yoga. And I am always learning and growing. I consider myself an uninitiated devotee of Krishna and I am so grateful for the kindness, compassion and support of all his children who have helped me along the way. Thank you to Nikki and to Kate for Yoga Squared and for the shelter and wisdom that you provide to so many. We love you.
Hare Krishna!
Love and Respect!
